Only I could get into a situation like this

This isn't a property management related story, but it has been quite entertaining for my co-workers and I just had to share.  It is one of those situations that could only happen to me.

Recently, I met a man on a dating website.  I have met several other very nice men on this site.  This one said his name is Mark. He is an engineer and lives close to me. He sent me several pictures and he was a nice looking man.  Not unbelievably handsome, but nice.  He said he was widowed (bonus-he's already trained and doesn't come with all the divorce baggage).  We began communicating with e-mails and he told me he just got a contract job in the UK.  So, before we got a chance to meet, he is out of the country for 6 weeks. 

While we are communicating by e-mail, I began to notice a few odd things about him. While he is very well spoken and quite chatty for a man, he speaks Queen's English instead of American.  He says things like the UK instead of England.  I asked him what is favorite sports team was and he said Manchester United.  For someone from Chicago?  This, among  other things, sounded odd.  I began to get suspicious.  I told my friends that I fully expected him to be stranded in England and not be able to get back without money from me.  No they told me, he sounds great, but just in case, keep your guard up. 

Weeks go by and he continues to e-mail.  He is getting very close to me and even falling in love.  Really?  I haven't even met the man, and I barely told him anything personal about me.  So now I'm really getting suspicious.  After all, I AM lovable, but not THAT lovable.  I shared some of the more interesting e-mails with my friends.  My favorite was the one where I asked him to send me some pictures of the job site. (I thought if he were making it all up, he wouldn't have any pictures.)  The job site pictures looked pretty realistic and I was beginning to think maybe I was wrong about him until I got to the last one.  His pipeline in England has 40 foot palm trees around it!  Now I can really have fun with him.  I responded to every e-mail telling him I couldn't wait until he gets back here and we can finally be together.  His date for this was December 10, so I knew he was going to ask me for something soon.

Finally, last Monday, he instant messages me that he is behind on his project and is having some cash overruns and doesn't have money for a part he needs.  Could I wire him $5000 and he will repay it in 10 days?  I said sure, got all the pertinent information and then called the FBI.  They were very helpful and told me how to file a complaint online.  I did this, but they say they get thousands of these complaints a month. 

I told him it would take a couple of days for me to get the money together, then I e-mailed him dummy tracking numbers for the Western Union Wire I just sent him.  He goes to Western Union in London, and they tell him the money is on hold.  He asks me to release the money.  I made him go back to Western Union 4 times over several days telling him first, there was a glitch with the bank, then everything should be OK, then I don't know why it isn't working.  I even asked him if he thought the money had been stolen and should I contact the FBI or Scotland Yard (that was a suggestion from a lady in the office.  They were all enjoying this). 

Throughout these few days, there are numerous phone calls and e-mails from him desperately trying to reach me to release the money.  I was sharing this story with a friend over lunch one day and she asked why I was even bothering with him.  "Entertainment." I said.  After the third phone call that I didn't answer during lunch, she giggled and said, "You're right.  It is amusing."

Finally, he asked me for a copy of the receipt for the wire transfer.  Of course I couldn't give him that, so I let him stew all day.  Phone calls, e-mails, all unanswered.  Around 10:30 that night, he sent me an e-mail asking for an update.  This was my reply:  "I have decided I'm bored with you.  I'm moving on to someone more interesting."  That prompted several more phone calls and a request for instant messaging which I ignored.  Finally the next day he responded sounding hurt that I was playing games with him.  I did not respond, and he has not bothered me since.  I'm sure he's on to his next victim. 

So, there is a lesson here.  Actually, there are a couple of lessons.  First, if there is no victim, it's fun to mess with people. Second, I don't want to tell people not to be trusting or not to try something new, so the real moral of the story is best summed up with a quote from Ronald Reagan: "Trust, but verify."

Everyone Needs a Job

Every year around this time, I get nasty voice mails from people who are angry because the snow plows or snow blowers woke them up in the middle of the night, or in the early morning hours.  This morning I got one who didn't identify himself, nor give his property address, so the woman who manages the general mailbox sent it to me with the message that "this one has got to be one of your homeowners".  Since he didn't leave a call back number (we have caller id, but he obviously wanted to stay annonymous, so I left it at that) I didn't call him back, but I told my co worker that I have a new response to this, which was the first, but undoubtedly not the last call about early morning snow removal.

"Unemployment has hit everyone hard and we are doing our best to help the economy by employing the usually unemployable.  In doing so, we had to make some concessions.  All snow plowing operations will now be done after dark and before the sun rises so we can employ vampires.  They work cheap and they bring their werewolf friends with them.  The werewolves are especially good because they are strong and they have a fur coat, so they don't mind the cold."  I'm guessing this would also cut down on the number of homeowners who confront the plow operators, too.

More Can't Fix Stupid

When children have parents that are airheads, one of two things happens.  Either the children become the responsible ones and begin looking out for the parents, or-as in this case-the children go through life completely clueless and they have absolutely no idea why so many strange things keep happening to them. 

I work with a property where there are 4 individual units in a building.  One of the units is occupied by a single mother with two children ages 10 and 15.  Early this spring, they were grilling outside, and being the conscientious residents that they are, the promptly took the grill into their garage once they were done so they didn't leave it out on the driveway which is against the rules.  Of course, it was still hot and it caused a small fire in the garage.  No serious damage done, but the neighbors began to get concerned.  I wrote them and their landlord each a letter to let them know this practice is not allowed.  OK, so here we are in November, and no more issues.  Until this weekend.

The mom left the two children home alone.  No big deal, they are old enough to stay home alone.  Unfortunately, they are apparently as airy as their mother.  They both decided to leave the home with the TV on, water spilling over the sink in the laundry room, and food cooking on the stove. Of course, they did, however, remember to lock the door behind them.  Yes, you guessed it, a couple of heroic homeowners broke the door down and put out the fire with a fire extinguisher.  They cleared the rest of the building and took care of the problem all before anyone residing in that unit came home.  Everyone feels fortunate to have had these observant homeowners living next door.  The damage to the unit is minimal and there is no damage to any of the other three units. 

There really is nothing to say about this one, except "you can't fix stupid."  Therefore, the other residents in the building are pushing to get the tenants evicted and I can't say I blame them. 

So That's Where That Went

Every fall, we sent out contractors to clean the gutters at the properties.  This prevents them from clogging and gets all the debris out of them.  This year, however, I got a report back from a 150 unit townhome association with some unusual findings.

Typically, there are leaves, birds' nests, and the random tennis balls and golf balls.  Even, the periodic child's toy will show up in a gutter.  However, the contractor at this association found some rather unusual items in addition to the regular things.  Found this year, were two remote controls from radio controlled cars, one garage door opener, and a playstation controller.  These were all found in different locations, not the same home. 

The suggestion from the contractor was that these items were thrown out the windows of the second floor and onto the roof of the first floor and no one bothered to  retrieve them, therefore they eventually made their way into the gutters. 

Doesn't it make you wonder what goes on in other people's homes that they would toss these items out the window, and wouldn't seem to care that they are gone?  The most bizzare thing to me, though, is that it didn't just happen to one home, it was 4 different homes.  It really makes me wonder...but that makes my head hurt.

Not To Be Out Done...

The entire office got a big laugh about the letter from the homeowner regarding the "Garbage Gestapo".  This, of course, could not go without a response, so the assistant who works on that property and I crafted the following letter:

Your recent letter to the association is being forwarded to the Association Coalition SWAT Team. They are a very elite group operating undercover. Few, if any, know of their existence. One could be your neighbor, your friend, your mom or dad. Their identity will only be revealed if you are invited to join.

Upon passing your initiation, you must remain anonymous-revealing nothing. No t-shirts with identifying lettering can be worn, no drinking in garages as this brings attention to the team (and that old lady is a blabbermouth), no pillow bags full of door knobs, or socks filled with nickels can be used. These items leave marks. This team prefers more subtle forms of punishment that is unidentifiable and untraceable.

Their main function is to assess the violation, correct the problem and slip away into the night unnoticed. Their target is unaware of their visit but is aware something has happened. If you choose to join the team and successfully pass the initiation process, you will be issued a uniform which may be worn only during “missions”. These uniforms are created to match the exact color scheme of the community so members may move about un-noticed.

This letter is being sent anonymously to protect the innocent and will self destruct once read. If you are selected for membership, a covert group of the selection committee will contact you.

Homeowners Have a Sense of Humor, Too

In the city and suburbs, trash is a big deal.  The villages and the associations regulate when you can put your garbage out for pickup.  Usually it's after 6 pm the night before pickup and the empty receptacles must be retrieved from the curb the night of pickup.  This is sometimes a challenge for people particularly on weeks where pickup is delayed because of a monday holiday.  Therefore, we are constantly sending out reminder letters to people about trash violations.  This does, sometimes create challenges for us because we are unable to identify the "violator" and end up sending letters to all occupants of a building. 

One homeowner, frustrated due to the absurdity of the rules and our required enforcement of them as well as the time and expense of this enforcement sent us the following letter.  (I edited some of it  for grammar and to preserve anonymity.)

We recently recieved a violation letter because someone in our building placed their garbage out one day early due to the Labor Day holiday.  I observed many such violatiors in our community.  I assume many people received letters because someone in their building failed to understand that trash collection must be delayed due to a national holiday.  These letters do little to solve the problem while wasting precious assoication funds on postage. 

I believe I have a solution that will fix the problems that occur as many as 10 times per year.  I, along with several of my neighbors, can no longer stand these deviants placing ther trash receptacles out as much as one full day early.  What I propose is a vigilante group similar to the Guardian Angels or Black Panthers.  During weeks with national holidays, we will patrol the neighborhood and determine who has placed their refuse out too early.  Many of the hooligans go as far as to blatantly put their address on the side of the receptacle.  We will then return these receptacles to the townhouse from which they came by any means necessary.  We are not opposed to violence.  I am also willing to enforce other rules and regulations should the need arise.

Since this is a volunteer organization, we will save hundreds, possibly thouhsands, of dollars in postage.  I would also like to mention, I have previous experience in code enforcement.  While attending college, a resident in my apartment complex repeatedly violated the quiet hours.  I savagely beat him with a pillowcase full of doorknobs.  The campus police said they had never seen someone who was so adamant about apartment covenants.  The judge said my actions bordered on insanity.  While awaiting your response, I will be brainstorming names.  Currently, I am thinking "Garbage Gestapo".  I will be making t-shirts.  This will also give us an excuse to drink heavily in my garage on a weekday.  I mean other than Shitfaced Monday and Thirsty Thursday.  Many of us already have our own weapons so you will not need to provide us with anything.  As mentioned earlier, I prefer a pillowcase of door knobs and to a lesser extent, a sock filled with nickels.  With Columbus Day just around the corner, we must move swiftly and without remorse.  Please let me know when you want us to start.  God Belss America. 

We are crafting an equally clever response to this homeowner.  I am thinking we will want to send it anonymously from the current militia of this homeowners' association inviting him to join the secret society, but reminding him that pillowcases with doorknobs leave marks and that they prefer more subtle enforcement proceedures that will cause injuries, but leave no external evidence of the enforcement proceedings. 

Gotta Have Fun Sometimes

Its late in the summer and everyone's tired.  Because of this, sometimes we get a bit goofy to blow off a bit of steam.  Today, we got an invoice from a vendor who is obviously having as stressful a summer as we have had.  The work order was for cleaning up doggie "landmines".  No one's favorite job, but someone has to do it.  This was the description of work completed on the invoice:

"Cleaned up all dog waste from common area around this unit.  Placed in paper bag, set on fire, dropped bag on porch,  rang doorbell and left."