Homeowners Have a Sense of Humor, Too

In the city and suburbs, trash is a big deal.  The villages and the associations regulate when you can put your garbage out for pickup.  Usually it's after 6 pm the night before pickup and the empty receptacles must be retrieved from the curb the night of pickup.  This is sometimes a challenge for people particularly on weeks where pickup is delayed because of a monday holiday.  Therefore, we are constantly sending out reminder letters to people about trash violations.  This does, sometimes create challenges for us because we are unable to identify the "violator" and end up sending letters to all occupants of a building. 

One homeowner, frustrated due to the absurdity of the rules and our required enforcement of them as well as the time and expense of this enforcement sent us the following letter.  (I edited some of it  for grammar and to preserve anonymity.)

We recently recieved a violation letter because someone in our building placed their garbage out one day early due to the Labor Day holiday.  I observed many such violatiors in our community.  I assume many people received letters because someone in their building failed to understand that trash collection must be delayed due to a national holiday.  These letters do little to solve the problem while wasting precious assoication funds on postage. 

I believe I have a solution that will fix the problems that occur as many as 10 times per year.  I, along with several of my neighbors, can no longer stand these deviants placing ther trash receptacles out as much as one full day early.  What I propose is a vigilante group similar to the Guardian Angels or Black Panthers.  During weeks with national holidays, we will patrol the neighborhood and determine who has placed their refuse out too early.  Many of the hooligans go as far as to blatantly put their address on the side of the receptacle.  We will then return these receptacles to the townhouse from which they came by any means necessary.  We are not opposed to violence.  I am also willing to enforce other rules and regulations should the need arise.

Since this is a volunteer organization, we will save hundreds, possibly thouhsands, of dollars in postage.  I would also like to mention, I have previous experience in code enforcement.  While attending college, a resident in my apartment complex repeatedly violated the quiet hours.  I savagely beat him with a pillowcase full of doorknobs.  The campus police said they had never seen someone who was so adamant about apartment covenants.  The judge said my actions bordered on insanity.  While awaiting your response, I will be brainstorming names.  Currently, I am thinking "Garbage Gestapo".  I will be making t-shirts.  This will also give us an excuse to drink heavily in my garage on a weekday.  I mean other than Shitfaced Monday and Thirsty Thursday.  Many of us already have our own weapons so you will not need to provide us with anything.  As mentioned earlier, I prefer a pillowcase of door knobs and to a lesser extent, a sock filled with nickels.  With Columbus Day just around the corner, we must move swiftly and without remorse.  Please let me know when you want us to start.  God Belss America. 

We are crafting an equally clever response to this homeowner.  I am thinking we will want to send it anonymously from the current militia of this homeowners' association inviting him to join the secret society, but reminding him that pillowcases with doorknobs leave marks and that they prefer more subtle enforcement proceedures that will cause injuries, but leave no external evidence of the enforcement proceedings.