Not To Be Out Done...

The entire office got a big laugh about the letter from the homeowner regarding the "Garbage Gestapo".  This, of course, could not go without a response, so the assistant who works on that property and I crafted the following letter:

Your recent letter to the association is being forwarded to the Association Coalition SWAT Team. They are a very elite group operating undercover. Few, if any, know of their existence. One could be your neighbor, your friend, your mom or dad. Their identity will only be revealed if you are invited to join.

Upon passing your initiation, you must remain anonymous-revealing nothing. No t-shirts with identifying lettering can be worn, no drinking in garages as this brings attention to the team (and that old lady is a blabbermouth), no pillow bags full of door knobs, or socks filled with nickels can be used. These items leave marks. This team prefers more subtle forms of punishment that is unidentifiable and untraceable.

Their main function is to assess the violation, correct the problem and slip away into the night unnoticed. Their target is unaware of their visit but is aware something has happened. If you choose to join the team and successfully pass the initiation process, you will be issued a uniform which may be worn only during “missions”. These uniforms are created to match the exact color scheme of the community so members may move about un-noticed.

This letter is being sent anonymously to protect the innocent and will self destruct once read. If you are selected for membership, a covert group of the selection committee will contact you.

Homeowners Have a Sense of Humor, Too

In the city and suburbs, trash is a big deal.  The villages and the associations regulate when you can put your garbage out for pickup.  Usually it's after 6 pm the night before pickup and the empty receptacles must be retrieved from the curb the night of pickup.  This is sometimes a challenge for people particularly on weeks where pickup is delayed because of a monday holiday.  Therefore, we are constantly sending out reminder letters to people about trash violations.  This does, sometimes create challenges for us because we are unable to identify the "violator" and end up sending letters to all occupants of a building. 

One homeowner, frustrated due to the absurdity of the rules and our required enforcement of them as well as the time and expense of this enforcement sent us the following letter.  (I edited some of it  for grammar and to preserve anonymity.)

We recently recieved a violation letter because someone in our building placed their garbage out one day early due to the Labor Day holiday.  I observed many such violatiors in our community.  I assume many people received letters because someone in their building failed to understand that trash collection must be delayed due to a national holiday.  These letters do little to solve the problem while wasting precious assoication funds on postage. 

I believe I have a solution that will fix the problems that occur as many as 10 times per year.  I, along with several of my neighbors, can no longer stand these deviants placing ther trash receptacles out as much as one full day early.  What I propose is a vigilante group similar to the Guardian Angels or Black Panthers.  During weeks with national holidays, we will patrol the neighborhood and determine who has placed their refuse out too early.  Many of the hooligans go as far as to blatantly put their address on the side of the receptacle.  We will then return these receptacles to the townhouse from which they came by any means necessary.  We are not opposed to violence.  I am also willing to enforce other rules and regulations should the need arise.

Since this is a volunteer organization, we will save hundreds, possibly thouhsands, of dollars in postage.  I would also like to mention, I have previous experience in code enforcement.  While attending college, a resident in my apartment complex repeatedly violated the quiet hours.  I savagely beat him with a pillowcase full of doorknobs.  The campus police said they had never seen someone who was so adamant about apartment covenants.  The judge said my actions bordered on insanity.  While awaiting your response, I will be brainstorming names.  Currently, I am thinking "Garbage Gestapo".  I will be making t-shirts.  This will also give us an excuse to drink heavily in my garage on a weekday.  I mean other than Shitfaced Monday and Thirsty Thursday.  Many of us already have our own weapons so you will not need to provide us with anything.  As mentioned earlier, I prefer a pillowcase of door knobs and to a lesser extent, a sock filled with nickels.  With Columbus Day just around the corner, we must move swiftly and without remorse.  Please let me know when you want us to start.  God Belss America. 

We are crafting an equally clever response to this homeowner.  I am thinking we will want to send it anonymously from the current militia of this homeowners' association inviting him to join the secret society, but reminding him that pillowcases with doorknobs leave marks and that they prefer more subtle enforcement proceedures that will cause injuries, but leave no external evidence of the enforcement proceedings. 

Gotta Have Fun Sometimes

Its late in the summer and everyone's tired.  Because of this, sometimes we get a bit goofy to blow off a bit of steam.  Today, we got an invoice from a vendor who is obviously having as stressful a summer as we have had.  The work order was for cleaning up doggie "landmines".  No one's favorite job, but someone has to do it.  This was the description of work completed on the invoice:

"Cleaned up all dog waste from common area around this unit.  Placed in paper bag, set on fire, dropped bag on porch,  rang doorbell and left."