The entire office got a big laugh about the letter from the homeowner regarding the "Garbage Gestapo". This, of course, could not go without a response, so the assistant who works on that property and I crafted the following letter:
Your recent letter to the association is being forwarded to the Association Coalition SWAT Team. They are a very elite group operating undercover. Few, if any, know of their existence. One could be your neighbor, your friend, your mom or dad. Their identity will only be revealed if you are invited to join.
Upon passing your initiation, you must remain anonymous-revealing nothing. No t-shirts with identifying lettering can be worn, no drinking in garages as this brings attention to the team (and that old lady is a blabbermouth), no pillow bags full of door knobs, or socks filled with nickels can be used. These items leave marks. This team prefers more subtle forms of punishment that is unidentifiable and untraceable.
Their main function is to assess the violation, correct the problem and slip away into the night unnoticed. Their target is unaware of their visit but is aware something has happened. If you choose to join the team and successfully pass the initiation process, you will be issued a uniform which may be worn only during “missions”. These uniforms are created to match the exact color scheme of the community so members may move about un-noticed.
This letter is being sent anonymously to protect the innocent and will self destruct once read. If you are selected for membership, a covert group of the selection committee will contact you.
Friday, September 25, 2009
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Homeowners Have a Sense of Humor, Too
In the city and suburbs, trash is a big deal. The villages and the associations regulate when you can put your garbage out for pickup. Usually it's after 6 pm the night before pickup and the empty receptacles must be retrieved from the curb the night of pickup. This is sometimes a challenge for people particularly on weeks where pickup is delayed because of a monday holiday. Therefore, we are constantly sending out reminder letters to people about trash violations. This does, sometimes create challenges for us because we are unable to identify the "violator" and end up sending letters to all occupants of a building.
One homeowner, frustrated due to the absurdity of the rules and our required enforcement of them as well as the time and expense of this enforcement sent us the following letter. (I edited some of it for grammar and to preserve anonymity.)
We recently recieved a violation letter because someone in our building placed their garbage out one day early due to the Labor Day holiday. I observed many such violatiors in our community. I assume many people received letters because someone in their building failed to understand that trash collection must be delayed due to a national holiday. These letters do little to solve the problem while wasting precious assoication funds on postage.
I believe I have a solution that will fix the problems that occur as many as 10 times per year. I, along with several of my neighbors, can no longer stand these deviants placing ther trash receptacles out as much as one full day early. What I propose is a vigilante group similar to the Guardian Angels or Black Panthers. During weeks with national holidays, we will patrol the neighborhood and determine who has placed their refuse out too early. Many of the hooligans go as far as to blatantly put their address on the side of the receptacle. We will then return these receptacles to the townhouse from which they came by any means necessary. We are not opposed to violence. I am also willing to enforce other rules and regulations should the need arise.
Since this is a volunteer organization, we will save hundreds, possibly thouhsands, of dollars in postage. I would also like to mention, I have previous experience in code enforcement. While attending college, a resident in my apartment complex repeatedly violated the quiet hours. I savagely beat him with a pillowcase full of doorknobs. The campus police said they had never seen someone who was so adamant about apartment covenants. The judge said my actions bordered on insanity. While awaiting your response, I will be brainstorming names. Currently, I am thinking "Garbage Gestapo". I will be making t-shirts. This will also give us an excuse to drink heavily in my garage on a weekday. I mean other than Shitfaced Monday and Thirsty Thursday. Many of us already have our own weapons so you will not need to provide us with anything. As mentioned earlier, I prefer a pillowcase of door knobs and to a lesser extent, a sock filled with nickels. With Columbus Day just around the corner, we must move swiftly and without remorse. Please let me know when you want us to start. God Belss America.
We are crafting an equally clever response to this homeowner. I am thinking we will want to send it anonymously from the current militia of this homeowners' association inviting him to join the secret society, but reminding him that pillowcases with doorknobs leave marks and that they prefer more subtle enforcement proceedures that will cause injuries, but leave no external evidence of the enforcement proceedings.
One homeowner, frustrated due to the absurdity of the rules and our required enforcement of them as well as the time and expense of this enforcement sent us the following letter. (I edited some of it for grammar and to preserve anonymity.)
We recently recieved a violation letter because someone in our building placed their garbage out one day early due to the Labor Day holiday. I observed many such violatiors in our community. I assume many people received letters because someone in their building failed to understand that trash collection must be delayed due to a national holiday. These letters do little to solve the problem while wasting precious assoication funds on postage.
I believe I have a solution that will fix the problems that occur as many as 10 times per year. I, along with several of my neighbors, can no longer stand these deviants placing ther trash receptacles out as much as one full day early. What I propose is a vigilante group similar to the Guardian Angels or Black Panthers. During weeks with national holidays, we will patrol the neighborhood and determine who has placed their refuse out too early. Many of the hooligans go as far as to blatantly put their address on the side of the receptacle. We will then return these receptacles to the townhouse from which they came by any means necessary. We are not opposed to violence. I am also willing to enforce other rules and regulations should the need arise.
Since this is a volunteer organization, we will save hundreds, possibly thouhsands, of dollars in postage. I would also like to mention, I have previous experience in code enforcement. While attending college, a resident in my apartment complex repeatedly violated the quiet hours. I savagely beat him with a pillowcase full of doorknobs. The campus police said they had never seen someone who was so adamant about apartment covenants. The judge said my actions bordered on insanity. While awaiting your response, I will be brainstorming names. Currently, I am thinking "Garbage Gestapo". I will be making t-shirts. This will also give us an excuse to drink heavily in my garage on a weekday. I mean other than Shitfaced Monday and Thirsty Thursday. Many of us already have our own weapons so you will not need to provide us with anything. As mentioned earlier, I prefer a pillowcase of door knobs and to a lesser extent, a sock filled with nickels. With Columbus Day just around the corner, we must move swiftly and without remorse. Please let me know when you want us to start. God Belss America.
We are crafting an equally clever response to this homeowner. I am thinking we will want to send it anonymously from the current militia of this homeowners' association inviting him to join the secret society, but reminding him that pillowcases with doorknobs leave marks and that they prefer more subtle enforcement proceedures that will cause injuries, but leave no external evidence of the enforcement proceedings.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Gotta Have Fun Sometimes
Its late in the summer and everyone's tired. Because of this, sometimes we get a bit goofy to blow off a bit of steam. Today, we got an invoice from a vendor who is obviously having as stressful a summer as we have had. The work order was for cleaning up doggie "landmines". No one's favorite job, but someone has to do it. This was the description of work completed on the invoice:
"Cleaned up all dog waste from common area around this unit. Placed in paper bag, set on fire, dropped bag on porch, rang doorbell and left."
"Cleaned up all dog waste from common area around this unit. Placed in paper bag, set on fire, dropped bag on porch, rang doorbell and left."
Monday, August 31, 2009
My Homeowners are Stupider Than Your Homeowners part 2
Ok, last time, my boss won the stupid homeowner contest. This time, the other company's Owner won.
When one homeowner was told by another homeowner that the staff and public safety had been chasing a wounded fox around the property, her response was "We don't have wildlife here. This is a GATED community."
There's nothing else to say after that comment.
When one homeowner was told by another homeowner that the staff and public safety had been chasing a wounded fox around the property, her response was "We don't have wildlife here. This is a GATED community."
There's nothing else to say after that comment.
Monday, August 10, 2009
You Just Can't Fix Stupid-part 1
Most of my job entails solving problems. People call me with a roof leak, and I send a roofer out to fix it. Someone has a problem with a neighbor, I send a letter to the neighbor to remind them of the rules. Landscaping request, I handle it. You get the idea. Unfortunately, sometimes I get those calls that I just have to shake my head and say "I'm sorry, I can't fix stupid." Of course, I don't actually say that, but sometimes I would like to. Here are the most recent stupid moments.
We recently sealcoated the driveways at one of the properties where I work. The sealcoaters always put up stakes and tie rope across the entrance to the driveway to let everyone know to stay off the driveway until the barricade is removed. One homeowner, apparently thought this only applied to cars. This homeowner allowed his child (about 4 years old) to repeatedly drive down the sidewalk from their door, across the driveway, make a loop or two, and then ride back down the sidewalk to the front door again. Needless to say, most homeowners would have stopped the child after the first set of tracks across the sidewalk. Not this homeowner. There are at least 6 sets of tracks across the drive and sidewalk. They are being charged for the cleanup.
Another property I work on is called a mid rise. This is a 6 story building with an elevator. Not a high rise, but not a walk up. This building has a trash chute for homeowners to dispose of their trash without having to go to the basement and track their garbage through the hallway and elevator. One bright homeowner decided to put out his cigarette and empty his trash. As he (I say he because I can't imagine a woman doing this, but we were unable to identify this genius.) was emptying the trash, he picked up the ashtray and emptied that into the trash bag. Yes, the one with the just extinguished ashes. The bag went down the chute and smoldered for a while, sat in the garbage bin in the basement, and then finally caught the trash room on fire. This set off the sprinklers for that room, shut down the trash chute and called the fire department. It happened on a weekend and I refused to pay overtime for anyone I didn't have to. We had to pay to get the sprinklers back up and running and to have the fire system re-set, (total about $1000) but I didn't have to have the trash chute repaired and opened, so I called the company on Monday and told them to get to it when they could. There was no way to identify the culprit in this situation, so all the tenants of the building got to deal with no trash chute for three days.
Finally, the last I can't fix stupid is definitely one that takes the cake (until the next time). We had a sewer backup in one of the homes. I called the plumber and had the issue corrected right away, but there was still the backup "stuff" in the utility room. The homeowner is hard of hearing, so I scheduled a cleanup while she was in my office. I asked the company if they could come out that afternoon which they were able to do, but the homeowner said no, that wouldn't work, so we set it up for the following afternoon. (I have had this happen to me, and I can't imagine living with that stench for an entire day, but that's what she wanted) So, the contractor called me just shortly after arriving to the home. Instead of using her front door, the elderly woman had gone from her garage, through the utility room, into the rest of the house several times before the cleanup. She was wearing fuzzy slippers and tracked all the "gunk" throughout the rest of the house. Now, this stuff was all over the carpet in each of the rooms and she had decided to lay down on the couch with her fuzzy slippers, so the stuff was now all over the couch, too. She was demanding the contractor clean it all because it all. The contractor asked me what he was supposed to clean. I told him to clean the original backup and let her deal with the rest. The homeowners' association would pay to clean the backup mess. Perhaps the woman's individual homeowner's insurance will pay for stupid, but the association will not. BTW, the couch was out on the curb that following trash day. I don't' know if she got a new couch from her insurance, but it was apparently not cleanable.
We recently sealcoated the driveways at one of the properties where I work. The sealcoaters always put up stakes and tie rope across the entrance to the driveway to let everyone know to stay off the driveway until the barricade is removed. One homeowner, apparently thought this only applied to cars. This homeowner allowed his child (about 4 years old) to repeatedly drive down the sidewalk from their door, across the driveway, make a loop or two, and then ride back down the sidewalk to the front door again. Needless to say, most homeowners would have stopped the child after the first set of tracks across the sidewalk. Not this homeowner. There are at least 6 sets of tracks across the drive and sidewalk. They are being charged for the cleanup.
Another property I work on is called a mid rise. This is a 6 story building with an elevator. Not a high rise, but not a walk up. This building has a trash chute for homeowners to dispose of their trash without having to go to the basement and track their garbage through the hallway and elevator. One bright homeowner decided to put out his cigarette and empty his trash. As he (I say he because I can't imagine a woman doing this, but we were unable to identify this genius.) was emptying the trash, he picked up the ashtray and emptied that into the trash bag. Yes, the one with the just extinguished ashes. The bag went down the chute and smoldered for a while, sat in the garbage bin in the basement, and then finally caught the trash room on fire. This set off the sprinklers for that room, shut down the trash chute and called the fire department. It happened on a weekend and I refused to pay overtime for anyone I didn't have to. We had to pay to get the sprinklers back up and running and to have the fire system re-set, (total about $1000) but I didn't have to have the trash chute repaired and opened, so I called the company on Monday and told them to get to it when they could. There was no way to identify the culprit in this situation, so all the tenants of the building got to deal with no trash chute for three days.
Finally, the last I can't fix stupid is definitely one that takes the cake (until the next time). We had a sewer backup in one of the homes. I called the plumber and had the issue corrected right away, but there was still the backup "stuff" in the utility room. The homeowner is hard of hearing, so I scheduled a cleanup while she was in my office. I asked the company if they could come out that afternoon which they were able to do, but the homeowner said no, that wouldn't work, so we set it up for the following afternoon. (I have had this happen to me, and I can't imagine living with that stench for an entire day, but that's what she wanted) So, the contractor called me just shortly after arriving to the home. Instead of using her front door, the elderly woman had gone from her garage, through the utility room, into the rest of the house several times before the cleanup. She was wearing fuzzy slippers and tracked all the "gunk" throughout the rest of the house. Now, this stuff was all over the carpet in each of the rooms and she had decided to lay down on the couch with her fuzzy slippers, so the stuff was now all over the couch, too. She was demanding the contractor clean it all because it all. The contractor asked me what he was supposed to clean. I told him to clean the original backup and let her deal with the rest. The homeowners' association would pay to clean the backup mess. Perhaps the woman's individual homeowner's insurance will pay for stupid, but the association will not. BTW, the couch was out on the curb that following trash day. I don't' know if she got a new couch from her insurance, but it was apparently not cleanable.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
I Have a New Product Invention
This economy has people crabby. I just started doing spring walk throughs and as usual, I had to send out quite a few letters telling people that they need to clean up after their dog does it's business. This usually gets a few phone calls from people who don't have dogs, but other people are letting their dogs make deposits in their yard. I always get at least one person demanding to know how I know it was thier dog.
This time, though, I had a lady who was just crabby. She didn't leave her name, or even her address, so I don't know how she expected me to do anything, but I thought her approach was interesting. She told me that "unless the dog leaves a nametag on it, how do I know whose it was?" I just found that amusing. Almost as amusing as the idea was her outrage evident on the voice mail.
I shared this information with a co-worker and we decided that nametags would be a good idea. So I came up with a new product idea. Everyone who lives in a condominium association and has a pet must feed their animal a bacon or pork flavored glow in the dark treat daily. These treats would be designed specially for each address so that we would know where the "deposits" came from. Why glow in the dark? Why not. As long as we are being riddiculous, why not make them glow in the dark so when you are walking at night, you can see the "landmines" and avoid them.
Of course, then I started thinking about all the potential problems. What if we had a chihuahua who lived at 143234 W. Minneapolis Blvd? The poor thing would have digestive issues if it weren't a flexible treat. And then what about a great dane with an addres of 2 Jo st. it would get lost!
OK. Can you tell I had trouble sleeping last night? Sometimes I just wish people could listen to themselves and they would realize that they sound as riddiculous as this entire entry.
This time, though, I had a lady who was just crabby. She didn't leave her name, or even her address, so I don't know how she expected me to do anything, but I thought her approach was interesting. She told me that "unless the dog leaves a nametag on it, how do I know whose it was?" I just found that amusing. Almost as amusing as the idea was her outrage evident on the voice mail.
I shared this information with a co-worker and we decided that nametags would be a good idea. So I came up with a new product idea. Everyone who lives in a condominium association and has a pet must feed their animal a bacon or pork flavored glow in the dark treat daily. These treats would be designed specially for each address so that we would know where the "deposits" came from. Why glow in the dark? Why not. As long as we are being riddiculous, why not make them glow in the dark so when you are walking at night, you can see the "landmines" and avoid them.
Of course, then I started thinking about all the potential problems. What if we had a chihuahua who lived at 143234 W. Minneapolis Blvd? The poor thing would have digestive issues if it weren't a flexible treat. And then what about a great dane with an addres of 2 Jo st. it would get lost!
OK. Can you tell I had trouble sleeping last night? Sometimes I just wish people could listen to themselves and they would realize that they sound as riddiculous as this entire entry.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
What ARE Some People Thinking?
Sometimes I wonder what people are thinking when they do things. They get mad at a neighbor and decide to pick on every little thing they do, then they are surprised when they are reported for breaking the rules. what everyone seems to forget is that they have to live next to these people. Didn't they think about that before they started acting like children?
On the other hand, some people do things that make me shake my head in amazement.
I have a homeowner who in her first conversation with me explained that several years ago, when she lived accross the street, she went to a party and met another homeowner. They were both drunk and had a one night stand. OK, people do stupid things, but telling me over the phone on our first conversation seems a bit odd.
So anyway, the first chance she gets, she sells the unit she is in and moves directly below the man with whom she had the fling. Now she wonders why he wants nothing to do with her?
She tries to be nice and according to other homeowners it comes accross as stalking type behavior, which it probably is. So now, she has a problem with a leak from this guy's unit into hers and she's upset because he won't talk to her. Really? Did she think he was going to be her best friend? We had to intervene and get things moving. The homeowner upstairs was more than happy to do whatever it took to get her to shut up and leave him alone. She, on the other hand, was prolonging everything. She wanted attention right away, but when we scheduled someone to come out to look at it, she cancelled. The guys didn't get the message, so they knocked on her door, she was there, but refused to let them in. Then she calls me upset because she wants something done NOW! And she really wonders why this guy ignores her?
So, lesson here-next time you think your life is messed up, think about this situation. It can ALWAYS be worse.
On the other hand, some people do things that make me shake my head in amazement.
I have a homeowner who in her first conversation with me explained that several years ago, when she lived accross the street, she went to a party and met another homeowner. They were both drunk and had a one night stand. OK, people do stupid things, but telling me over the phone on our first conversation seems a bit odd.
So anyway, the first chance she gets, she sells the unit she is in and moves directly below the man with whom she had the fling. Now she wonders why he wants nothing to do with her?
She tries to be nice and according to other homeowners it comes accross as stalking type behavior, which it probably is. So now, she has a problem with a leak from this guy's unit into hers and she's upset because he won't talk to her. Really? Did she think he was going to be her best friend? We had to intervene and get things moving. The homeowner upstairs was more than happy to do whatever it took to get her to shut up and leave him alone. She, on the other hand, was prolonging everything. She wanted attention right away, but when we scheduled someone to come out to look at it, she cancelled. The guys didn't get the message, so they knocked on her door, she was there, but refused to let them in. Then she calls me upset because she wants something done NOW! And she really wonders why this guy ignores her?
So, lesson here-next time you think your life is messed up, think about this situation. It can ALWAYS be worse.
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