And the stupid comment of the week is.....

Part of our job is sending letters (nasty grams) to people about rule violations.  One of the most common is a noise violation.  After we send a noise violation to someone, we expect them to modify their behavior to be a better neighbor and be more considerate.  If they do not, and we get another complaint within a short period of time, we send them a fine.  Of course, we are required to give them a chance to refute the fine and state their case.  This is the comment I got this week in one such instance:

I don't know what I'm supposed to do.  When I come home, I like to watch TV in the bedroom.  It's not that loud.  It can't be.  It's just a little TV. 

Really?  There is no response to this one except thank you, I will forward this to the Board. 

And You're Worried About WHAT?

One of my properties is a condo association with about 200 units.  It is a nice, middle class community that could go south if it were let to do so.  Fortunately, they have a good board and lots of good homeowners as well as an "on the ball" management company that won't let that happen. 

This is an e-mail I got today from a contractor about a work order.  I sent him out to inspect and advise about a small, self contained fire in a rental unit.  Easy job, make sure there is no structural damage and identify the cause of the fire, then make a report.  Or so we thought.

Lori-
I Made an appointment to access the damage from fire at the property.  The renter & I had a nice conversation on Wednesday. I made arrangements to be at her unit the following morning.


Upon approaching I was told to wait in the hall while the ‘DOG’ was put away. I heard something very large smaller than a grizzly bear but about the same size as a Siberian Tiger growling at me as I approached their door. One never knows what lurks behind closed doors?????


The father escorted me to where the fire was & proceeded back to the living room. While I was there, within less than 3 minutes the father & son began arguing. They broke out into a fight, the son pulled a knife on the father, and the father was hitting his son while each other were yelling at each other.

.Besides extreme verbiage #^&%^^&*,,,,,,,, U *&^&*()+_ I was in the back bedroom wondering if I was to get out of there without bodily injury or even alive ??????? . At one point the father stormed down the hall towards me, grabbed me ( as I am thinking this it) & decided to show me the sons bedroom, yelling at me DO U HAVE KIDS??????? . Finally releasing me & returning to the living room. I kept wondering if  Cujo or Tony The Tiger was to come out & begin feeding on my nervous body! Now both are yelling at me ???????? What did I do??????? Then they both wanted me to be a witness as to what was transpiring.

As I took a deep breath saying an Act of Contrition (a catholic thing) heading down the longest hallway I have ever walked down. Being only 15-20 feet long felt like miles I began raising my voice telling both I will be in my van awaiting the arrival of the police. I will let them know what happened. Sorry for the skid marks on the carpet in the common hall way & the skid marks of my tires for 1/4 mile down the street.


As I was driving out of the complex squad cars with sirens blaring & lights a glowing came flying into the complex.

Lori, after going to the clinic & being given heavy doses of medication to relax my heart & high blood pressure I decided to look for a buffet. A buffet of a liquid lunch 80 proof or greater.


I will be sending you my restaurant receipt as to be reimbursed along with medical bills, pharmacy bill, therapy bill & anything else I can come up with because maybe it’s time to retire. This business after 20 years is getting dangerous even in the day time.


Shaking still,
(contractor name)

Obviously, he was OK and able to send me this e-mail, so it turned out to be rather funny, but things could have been much different.  When I called him, he was laughing about it.  When the property manager called him, he was at a bar. (it was after 12.  just barely, but it was.)

So, while I am reading this e-mail, the property manager gets a phone call from a Board member.  She has decided that she doesn't want any pickup trucks in the common area parking.  "they make the property look trashy."  she says.  This is the same property where a Board member (not the same one) thought we should ban school busses because they could damage the streets.  It is a really good board for the most part, but sometimes, they don't seem to have a clue about what is REALLY going on. 

So, they are worried about parking issues and school busses and we are worried about domestic battery, drug deals in the driveway (last year's fun adventure) and a member of a local gang living a couple of buildings away (two months ago).   

I just find the timing ironic.  It makes me wonder what tomorrow will bring, and whether this contractor will EVER work for me again.

Dealing with a Sensitive Subject

I write "nasty grams" to homeowners all the time about various violations of rules and regulations at condominiums.  Many of these are noise related.  People throwing parties, dogs barking, television playing too loud, etc.  More than once, however, I have been contacted by homeowners disturbed because they can hear their neighbors' lovemaking through the walls or ceiling.  This was one of those situations. 

I asked the homeowner for specifics of date and time(s) so I can write a letter stating there was loud noise coming from the unit at a particular time.  We let them figure out what they were doing at that time so they can choose to believe that their neighbors and I don't really know what was happening.  Until this week, this tactic has been successful and has avoided embarrassment on all parts.

Yesterday, I got a voice mail from the homeowner stating she doesn't understand what the letter is referring to.  They don't throw loud parties and they aren't even home at 3pm.  So, I called her back and got voice mail (thank heaven) and explained to her what the noises were.  (yes, people in the office were rolling listening to me leave that message.) I went on to say maybe if she has a teenager in the house it could be right after they are getting home from school?  As I was hanging up, I thought "wow, I may have just busted someone."  But, the homeowner needed to know.

So, I get a voice mail this morning.  The homeowner apologizes that I have to be in the middle of this.  She reiterates that she is not home at 3pm and perhaps it is another unit causing the problem.  Then she says (light bulb!)  "Sometimes my boyfriend is home in the afternoons.  Maybe I have an issue."

YA THINK?  I have a feeling that someone's belongings will be found on the front lawn sometime soon.

Put It In Writing

I received a voice mail from a homeowner that went something like this:

"I have a couple of landscaping requests and the newsletter you sent out said I should put all requests in writing.  So does that mean I need to use a piece of paper and a pencil, or can I type it out on my computer?"

And these people vote...

We Get Phone Calls

Much of my job is handling phone calls from the homeowners and residents.  Most are questions about services or requests for maintenance, but every once in a while, we get some unusual ones.  Just in the past week or so, I've gotten a couple of odd ones, and I thought I would share.

A woman called the office today to report a bird sitting in her front yard.  I know it's Chicago in the winter, but birds DO that. 

I also got another report today of patio chairs that had been thrown onto the pond which is frozen, but not enough to hold the weight of a person.

Also today, a homeowner called to tell me of a neighbor plowing his own driveway with a blade on his pickup truck. There was less than one inch of snow on the ground and this was a condo complex that pays a service to plow.


Last week, I got a call from a resident who came home to find that a deer had gone through the window of his condo.
Another report came in of "white stuff" on a homeowner's driveway.  Really, in Chicago in December.  Wonder what it could be.  Turns out, it was paint.

Wonder what Tuesday will bring...

Only I could get into a situation like this

This isn't a property management related story, but it has been quite entertaining for my co-workers and I just had to share.  It is one of those situations that could only happen to me.

Recently, I met a man on a dating website.  I have met several other very nice men on this site.  This one said his name is Mark. He is an engineer and lives close to me. He sent me several pictures and he was a nice looking man.  Not unbelievably handsome, but nice.  He said he was widowed (bonus-he's already trained and doesn't come with all the divorce baggage).  We began communicating with e-mails and he told me he just got a contract job in the UK.  So, before we got a chance to meet, he is out of the country for 6 weeks. 

While we are communicating by e-mail, I began to notice a few odd things about him. While he is very well spoken and quite chatty for a man, he speaks Queen's English instead of American.  He says things like the UK instead of England.  I asked him what is favorite sports team was and he said Manchester United.  For someone from Chicago?  This, among  other things, sounded odd.  I began to get suspicious.  I told my friends that I fully expected him to be stranded in England and not be able to get back without money from me.  No they told me, he sounds great, but just in case, keep your guard up. 

Weeks go by and he continues to e-mail.  He is getting very close to me and even falling in love.  Really?  I haven't even met the man, and I barely told him anything personal about me.  So now I'm really getting suspicious.  After all, I AM lovable, but not THAT lovable.  I shared some of the more interesting e-mails with my friends.  My favorite was the one where I asked him to send me some pictures of the job site. (I thought if he were making it all up, he wouldn't have any pictures.)  The job site pictures looked pretty realistic and I was beginning to think maybe I was wrong about him until I got to the last one.  His pipeline in England has 40 foot palm trees around it!  Now I can really have fun with him.  I responded to every e-mail telling him I couldn't wait until he gets back here and we can finally be together.  His date for this was December 10, so I knew he was going to ask me for something soon.

Finally, last Monday, he instant messages me that he is behind on his project and is having some cash overruns and doesn't have money for a part he needs.  Could I wire him $5000 and he will repay it in 10 days?  I said sure, got all the pertinent information and then called the FBI.  They were very helpful and told me how to file a complaint online.  I did this, but they say they get thousands of these complaints a month. 

I told him it would take a couple of days for me to get the money together, then I e-mailed him dummy tracking numbers for the Western Union Wire I just sent him.  He goes to Western Union in London, and they tell him the money is on hold.  He asks me to release the money.  I made him go back to Western Union 4 times over several days telling him first, there was a glitch with the bank, then everything should be OK, then I don't know why it isn't working.  I even asked him if he thought the money had been stolen and should I contact the FBI or Scotland Yard (that was a suggestion from a lady in the office.  They were all enjoying this). 

Throughout these few days, there are numerous phone calls and e-mails from him desperately trying to reach me to release the money.  I was sharing this story with a friend over lunch one day and she asked why I was even bothering with him.  "Entertainment." I said.  After the third phone call that I didn't answer during lunch, she giggled and said, "You're right.  It is amusing."

Finally, he asked me for a copy of the receipt for the wire transfer.  Of course I couldn't give him that, so I let him stew all day.  Phone calls, e-mails, all unanswered.  Around 10:30 that night, he sent me an e-mail asking for an update.  This was my reply:  "I have decided I'm bored with you.  I'm moving on to someone more interesting."  That prompted several more phone calls and a request for instant messaging which I ignored.  Finally the next day he responded sounding hurt that I was playing games with him.  I did not respond, and he has not bothered me since.  I'm sure he's on to his next victim. 

So, there is a lesson here.  Actually, there are a couple of lessons.  First, if there is no victim, it's fun to mess with people. Second, I don't want to tell people not to be trusting or not to try something new, so the real moral of the story is best summed up with a quote from Ronald Reagan: "Trust, but verify."

Everyone Needs a Job

Every year around this time, I get nasty voice mails from people who are angry because the snow plows or snow blowers woke them up in the middle of the night, or in the early morning hours.  This morning I got one who didn't identify himself, nor give his property address, so the woman who manages the general mailbox sent it to me with the message that "this one has got to be one of your homeowners".  Since he didn't leave a call back number (we have caller id, but he obviously wanted to stay annonymous, so I left it at that) I didn't call him back, but I told my co worker that I have a new response to this, which was the first, but undoubtedly not the last call about early morning snow removal.

"Unemployment has hit everyone hard and we are doing our best to help the economy by employing the usually unemployable.  In doing so, we had to make some concessions.  All snow plowing operations will now be done after dark and before the sun rises so we can employ vampires.  They work cheap and they bring their werewolf friends with them.  The werewolves are especially good because they are strong and they have a fur coat, so they don't mind the cold."  I'm guessing this would also cut down on the number of homeowners who confront the plow operators, too.

More Can't Fix Stupid

When children have parents that are airheads, one of two things happens.  Either the children become the responsible ones and begin looking out for the parents, or-as in this case-the children go through life completely clueless and they have absolutely no idea why so many strange things keep happening to them. 

I work with a property where there are 4 individual units in a building.  One of the units is occupied by a single mother with two children ages 10 and 15.  Early this spring, they were grilling outside, and being the conscientious residents that they are, the promptly took the grill into their garage once they were done so they didn't leave it out on the driveway which is against the rules.  Of course, it was still hot and it caused a small fire in the garage.  No serious damage done, but the neighbors began to get concerned.  I wrote them and their landlord each a letter to let them know this practice is not allowed.  OK, so here we are in November, and no more issues.  Until this weekend.

The mom left the two children home alone.  No big deal, they are old enough to stay home alone.  Unfortunately, they are apparently as airy as their mother.  They both decided to leave the home with the TV on, water spilling over the sink in the laundry room, and food cooking on the stove. Of course, they did, however, remember to lock the door behind them.  Yes, you guessed it, a couple of heroic homeowners broke the door down and put out the fire with a fire extinguisher.  They cleared the rest of the building and took care of the problem all before anyone residing in that unit came home.  Everyone feels fortunate to have had these observant homeowners living next door.  The damage to the unit is minimal and there is no damage to any of the other three units. 

There really is nothing to say about this one, except "you can't fix stupid."  Therefore, the other residents in the building are pushing to get the tenants evicted and I can't say I blame them. 

So That's Where That Went

Every fall, we sent out contractors to clean the gutters at the properties.  This prevents them from clogging and gets all the debris out of them.  This year, however, I got a report back from a 150 unit townhome association with some unusual findings.

Typically, there are leaves, birds' nests, and the random tennis balls and golf balls.  Even, the periodic child's toy will show up in a gutter.  However, the contractor at this association found some rather unusual items in addition to the regular things.  Found this year, were two remote controls from radio controlled cars, one garage door opener, and a playstation controller.  These were all found in different locations, not the same home. 

The suggestion from the contractor was that these items were thrown out the windows of the second floor and onto the roof of the first floor and no one bothered to  retrieve them, therefore they eventually made their way into the gutters. 

Doesn't it make you wonder what goes on in other people's homes that they would toss these items out the window, and wouldn't seem to care that they are gone?  The most bizzare thing to me, though, is that it didn't just happen to one home, it was 4 different homes.  It really makes me wonder...but that makes my head hurt.

Not To Be Out Done...

The entire office got a big laugh about the letter from the homeowner regarding the "Garbage Gestapo".  This, of course, could not go without a response, so the assistant who works on that property and I crafted the following letter:

Your recent letter to the association is being forwarded to the Association Coalition SWAT Team. They are a very elite group operating undercover. Few, if any, know of their existence. One could be your neighbor, your friend, your mom or dad. Their identity will only be revealed if you are invited to join.

Upon passing your initiation, you must remain anonymous-revealing nothing. No t-shirts with identifying lettering can be worn, no drinking in garages as this brings attention to the team (and that old lady is a blabbermouth), no pillow bags full of door knobs, or socks filled with nickels can be used. These items leave marks. This team prefers more subtle forms of punishment that is unidentifiable and untraceable.

Their main function is to assess the violation, correct the problem and slip away into the night unnoticed. Their target is unaware of their visit but is aware something has happened. If you choose to join the team and successfully pass the initiation process, you will be issued a uniform which may be worn only during “missions”. These uniforms are created to match the exact color scheme of the community so members may move about un-noticed.

This letter is being sent anonymously to protect the innocent and will self destruct once read. If you are selected for membership, a covert group of the selection committee will contact you.

Homeowners Have a Sense of Humor, Too

In the city and suburbs, trash is a big deal.  The villages and the associations regulate when you can put your garbage out for pickup.  Usually it's after 6 pm the night before pickup and the empty receptacles must be retrieved from the curb the night of pickup.  This is sometimes a challenge for people particularly on weeks where pickup is delayed because of a monday holiday.  Therefore, we are constantly sending out reminder letters to people about trash violations.  This does, sometimes create challenges for us because we are unable to identify the "violator" and end up sending letters to all occupants of a building. 

One homeowner, frustrated due to the absurdity of the rules and our required enforcement of them as well as the time and expense of this enforcement sent us the following letter.  (I edited some of it  for grammar and to preserve anonymity.)

We recently recieved a violation letter because someone in our building placed their garbage out one day early due to the Labor Day holiday.  I observed many such violatiors in our community.  I assume many people received letters because someone in their building failed to understand that trash collection must be delayed due to a national holiday.  These letters do little to solve the problem while wasting precious assoication funds on postage. 

I believe I have a solution that will fix the problems that occur as many as 10 times per year.  I, along with several of my neighbors, can no longer stand these deviants placing ther trash receptacles out as much as one full day early.  What I propose is a vigilante group similar to the Guardian Angels or Black Panthers.  During weeks with national holidays, we will patrol the neighborhood and determine who has placed their refuse out too early.  Many of the hooligans go as far as to blatantly put their address on the side of the receptacle.  We will then return these receptacles to the townhouse from which they came by any means necessary.  We are not opposed to violence.  I am also willing to enforce other rules and regulations should the need arise.

Since this is a volunteer organization, we will save hundreds, possibly thouhsands, of dollars in postage.  I would also like to mention, I have previous experience in code enforcement.  While attending college, a resident in my apartment complex repeatedly violated the quiet hours.  I savagely beat him with a pillowcase full of doorknobs.  The campus police said they had never seen someone who was so adamant about apartment covenants.  The judge said my actions bordered on insanity.  While awaiting your response, I will be brainstorming names.  Currently, I am thinking "Garbage Gestapo".  I will be making t-shirts.  This will also give us an excuse to drink heavily in my garage on a weekday.  I mean other than Shitfaced Monday and Thirsty Thursday.  Many of us already have our own weapons so you will not need to provide us with anything.  As mentioned earlier, I prefer a pillowcase of door knobs and to a lesser extent, a sock filled with nickels.  With Columbus Day just around the corner, we must move swiftly and without remorse.  Please let me know when you want us to start.  God Belss America. 

We are crafting an equally clever response to this homeowner.  I am thinking we will want to send it anonymously from the current militia of this homeowners' association inviting him to join the secret society, but reminding him that pillowcases with doorknobs leave marks and that they prefer more subtle enforcement proceedures that will cause injuries, but leave no external evidence of the enforcement proceedings. 

Gotta Have Fun Sometimes

Its late in the summer and everyone's tired.  Because of this, sometimes we get a bit goofy to blow off a bit of steam.  Today, we got an invoice from a vendor who is obviously having as stressful a summer as we have had.  The work order was for cleaning up doggie "landmines".  No one's favorite job, but someone has to do it.  This was the description of work completed on the invoice:

"Cleaned up all dog waste from common area around this unit.  Placed in paper bag, set on fire, dropped bag on porch,  rang doorbell and left."

My Homeowners are Stupider Than Your Homeowners part 2

Ok, last time, my boss won the stupid homeowner contest.  This time, the other company's Owner won. 

When one homeowner was told by another homeowner that the staff and public safety had been chasing a wounded fox around the property, her response was "We don't have wildlife here.  This is a GATED community."

There's nothing else to say after that comment. 

You Just Can't Fix Stupid-part 1

Most of my job entails solving problems. People call me with a roof leak, and I send a roofer out to fix it. Someone has a problem with a neighbor, I send a letter to the neighbor to remind them of the rules. Landscaping request, I handle it. You get the idea. Unfortunately, sometimes I get those calls that I just have to shake my head and say "I'm sorry, I can't fix stupid." Of course, I don't actually say that, but sometimes I would like to. Here are the most recent stupid moments.

We recently sealcoated the driveways at one of the properties where I work. The sealcoaters always put up stakes and tie rope across the entrance to the driveway to let everyone know to stay off the driveway until the barricade is removed. One homeowner, apparently thought this only applied to cars. This homeowner allowed his child (about 4 years old) to repeatedly drive down the sidewalk from their door, across the driveway, make a loop or two, and then ride back down the sidewalk to the front door again. Needless to say, most homeowners would have stopped the child after the first set of tracks across the sidewalk. Not this homeowner. There are at least 6 sets of tracks across the drive and sidewalk. They are being charged for the cleanup.

Another property I work on is called a mid rise. This is a 6 story building with an elevator. Not a high rise, but not a walk up. This building has a trash chute for homeowners to dispose of their trash without having to go to the basement and track their garbage through the hallway and elevator. One bright homeowner decided to put out his cigarette and empty his trash. As he (I say he because I can't imagine a woman doing this, but we were unable to identify this genius.) was emptying the trash, he picked up the ashtray and emptied that into the trash bag. Yes, the one with the just extinguished ashes. The bag went down the chute and smoldered for a while, sat in the garbage bin in the basement, and then finally caught the trash room on fire. This set off the sprinklers for that room, shut down the trash chute and called the fire department. It happened on a weekend and I refused to pay overtime for anyone I didn't have to. We had to pay to get the sprinklers back up and running and to have the fire system re-set, (total about $1000) but I didn't have to have the trash chute repaired and opened, so I called the company on Monday and told them to get to it when they could. There was no way to identify the culprit in this situation, so all the tenants of the building got to deal with no trash chute for three days.

Finally, the last I can't fix stupid is definitely one that takes the cake (until the next time). We had a sewer backup in one of the homes. I called the plumber and had the issue corrected right away, but there was still the backup "stuff" in the utility room. The homeowner is hard of hearing, so I scheduled a cleanup while she was in my office. I asked the company if they could come out that afternoon which they were able to do, but the homeowner said no, that wouldn't work, so we set it up for the following afternoon. (I have had this happen to me, and I can't imagine living with that stench for an entire day, but that's what she wanted) So, the contractor called me just shortly after arriving to the home. Instead of using her front door, the elderly woman had gone from her garage, through the utility room, into the rest of the house several times before the cleanup. She was wearing fuzzy slippers and tracked all the "gunk" throughout the rest of the house. Now, this stuff was all over the carpet in each of the rooms and she had decided to lay down on the couch with her fuzzy slippers, so the stuff was now all over the couch, too. She was demanding the contractor clean it all because it all. The contractor asked me what he was supposed to clean. I told him to clean the original backup and let her deal with the rest. The homeowners' association would pay to clean the backup mess. Perhaps the woman's individual homeowner's insurance will pay for stupid, but the association will not. BTW, the couch was out on the curb that following trash day. I don't' know if she got a new couch from her insurance, but it was apparently not cleanable.

I Have a New Product Invention

This economy has people crabby. I just started doing spring walk throughs and as usual, I had to send out quite a few letters telling people that they need to clean up after their dog does it's business. This usually gets a few phone calls from people who don't have dogs, but other people are letting their dogs make deposits in their yard. I always get at least one person demanding to know how I know it was thier dog.

This time, though, I had a lady who was just crabby. She didn't leave her name, or even her address, so I don't know how she expected me to do anything, but I thought her approach was interesting. She told me that "unless the dog leaves a nametag on it, how do I know whose it was?" I just found that amusing. Almost as amusing as the idea was her outrage evident on the voice mail.

I shared this information with a co-worker and we decided that nametags would be a good idea. So I came up with a new product idea. Everyone who lives in a condominium association and has a pet must feed their animal a bacon or pork flavored glow in the dark treat daily. These treats would be designed specially for each address so that we would know where the "deposits" came from. Why glow in the dark? Why not. As long as we are being riddiculous, why not make them glow in the dark so when you are walking at night, you can see the "landmines" and avoid them.

Of course, then I started thinking about all the potential problems. What if we had a chihuahua who lived at 143234 W. Minneapolis Blvd? The poor thing would have digestive issues if it weren't a flexible treat. And then what about a great dane with an addres of 2 Jo st. it would get lost!

OK. Can you tell I had trouble sleeping last night? Sometimes I just wish people could listen to themselves and they would realize that they sound as riddiculous as this entire entry.

What ARE Some People Thinking?

Sometimes I wonder what people are thinking when they do things. They get mad at a neighbor and decide to pick on every little thing they do, then they are surprised when they are reported for breaking the rules. what everyone seems to forget is that they have to live next to these people. Didn't they think about that before they started acting like children?


On the other hand, some people do things that make me shake my head in amazement.

I have a homeowner who in her first conversation with me explained that several years ago, when she lived accross the street, she went to a party and met another homeowner. They were both drunk and had a one night stand. OK, people do stupid things, but telling me over the phone on our first conversation seems a bit odd.

So anyway, the first chance she gets, she sells the unit she is in and moves directly below the man with whom she had the fling. Now she wonders why he wants nothing to do with her?

She tries to be nice and according to other homeowners it comes accross as stalking type behavior, which it probably is. So now, she has a problem with a leak from this guy's unit into hers and she's upset because he won't talk to her. Really? Did she think he was going to be her best friend? We had to intervene and get things moving. The homeowner upstairs was more than happy to do whatever it took to get her to shut up and leave him alone. She, on the other hand, was prolonging everything. She wanted attention right away, but when we scheduled someone to come out to look at it, she cancelled. The guys didn't get the message, so they knocked on her door, she was there, but refused to let them in. Then she calls me upset because she wants something done NOW! And she really wonders why this guy ignores her?

So, lesson here-next time you think your life is messed up, think about this situation. It can ALWAYS be worse.

My Homeowners are Dumber Than Your Homeowners

That's the game my boss was playing today via e-mail with a colleague who also owns a property management business. My boss won this round. Yes, it was one of my homeowners.

I got a call last week from a homeowner who wanted to make a couple of landscaping requests. One was for some new landscaping in the beds in the front of her 4 unit condo and one for some sod on a dead patch in the rear of the building.

I told her what I tell all homeowners this time of year. "We will put you on the list and when we do the landscape inspection in about a month, we will check it out. Depending on how much work needs to be done throughout the property and how much money is available, we will get to as much of it as we can."

So, I suggested she send me an e-mail with a description of what she would like to see done with the front of the building so we would have an idea of the scope of the project. She offered to send pictures. I told her that was even better. So, today, I got the pictures and a reminder about her requests. Without looking at the pictures, I responded back that I would place it in the file for review at the walk through. I got a few minutes later in the day and decided to look at the pictures. This is where the boss got involved. I sent them to her for an opinion. She came running out of the office doubled over laughing.

"Is this picture right outside her unit?" She asked me. I had to look it up because I was pretty sure it wouldn't be. But yep it was. She sent us a picture of a large area of dead grass and a bunch of piles of "landmines" from her dog. And she didn't understand why the grass wouldn't grow there.

For those of you who don't do property management, when we identify that someone has damaged common area, we charge them for all the costs to repair it. This in many cases is a damaged garage door or carpet stains, but probably most often it is dog damage on the lawn. So, this woman was kind enough to report herself for damaging the lawn and I get to send her a bill for the damages. It will probably be around a $100 bill because it is a rather large spot. If she doesn't keep the sod watered, or she continues to let her dog use that area to relieve itself, she will still not have good turf and may be charged to have it done again. Also in the picture was a dog leash tied to a post which is also a violation, so now she has reported herself on two different violations. Gotta love cooperative homeowners! I bet I won't be hearing from her again any time soon, even if she does have an association responsibility request.

Cabin Fever Sets In!

It's been a wild winter already. We have exceeded our number of snowfall plows and everyone is paying for each snowfall that happens until the end of the season. It has been -18 degrees one day and +25 degrees the next. Everyone is tired of the winter and they are all crabby.

My week last week was supposed to be nice and quiet and allow me to get caught up on all the little organizational things that need to be done. Not only did I not get that done, I was struggling to keep up with all the every day things. You know it's going to be a bad day when you come in and you have 14 voice mail messages waiting for you. In this business, a voice mail generates a phone call back, a work order to create, or three other calls to track something down. Therefore, 14 voice mails is most of my morning. That was every day last week, give or take a voice mail or two. In comparison, the week before was 2 or three voice mails a day when I came in.

Most of the problems are stemming from the weather. They have an ice dam, they have no ice melt, there was a water pipe burst in a neighbor's unit, or they don't like the job the snow plows are doing. All very reasonable issues, it's just a lot when it happens all at once.

Of course, we have a lot of foreclosures in the different associations, so I sent out two different contractors and several board members to check on them to see if they are occupied or otherwise taken care of. If not, they had to be broken into and winterized. I'm sure this saved us some headaches in the long run. In the here and now, we still had a bunch of other pipes freeze. People living in their units but they had poorly insulated pipes and things froze. On top of this, the mechanical room of one of our mid rise buildings is not heated, and therefore a booster pump froze and broke leaving 35 units without water for a day.

So, everyone in the office is going crazy just trying to stay afloat. This can be good, because no one has time to pick on anyone else, but it can also be bad, because by the end of the week, we were all grumpy.

Now, if we are crabby, you know the homeowners are going to be, too. No one has any patience any more. They all want something and they all want it now. On top of that, they have nothing better to do since they are trapped inside, so they start finding things to pick on with their neighbors. Suddenly, homeowners are fed up with the same noises their neighbors have been making for months. They call to complain about something to do with landscaping because they just thought about it and want it on record. Then, in the course of our jobs, we have all sent out "nasty grams" to people reminding them of some paperwork they have forgotten to submit or to tell them they are in violation of a rule. This, as a general rule, generates phone calls from a few people. In the midst of cabin fever, it generates more, and they are all crabby. Additionally, the brains of some of our board members have frozen along with the snow, and they are asking some of the most ridiculous questions.

When you take a step back and realize that it is just cabin fever, it is somewhat comical. When I am in the middle of it, it just makes me want to pull my hair out.

OK, that's enough about life in property management. There's nothing amusing about this one, just rambling about this crazy business we are in.

The Snowplows Are Keeping Me Up!

Snow removal companies have guidelines for when they start plowing to make the event as quick and painless as possible. They will usually wait until the snow stops unless it will be a big snowfall, then they will plow the areas twice. Once half way through, and once after the snow has stopped. This, inevitably, results in plowing during the early morning hours so everyone can get out to go to work in the morning.

One morning, I was listening to my voice mail when I first got in at 8:30am. There was a message from a distraught homeowner that went something like this: "It's 12:30 in the morning and the snowplows are keeping me awake. I have a test in the morning and I have to get some sleep. I am going to call the Village because I have a right to 'peaceful enjoyment' of my home and this is a disruption!"

The next voicemail I got was from the same homeowner. "It's now 2:30 in the morning and they are still out there. I need to get my sleep and obviously, calling the management company does NO good!"

I contacted the snow plow operations director and apologized if his guys got the police called on him. He said they didn't. I went about my day and about 4pm, I sent the homeowner an e-mail asking "How did you do on your test?" I got a response the next morning thanking me and telling me the results, but no comment about the snow plows. Being winter in Chicago, it began to snow again that day, but the snowfall lasted a bit longer, so the plows didn't go out until about 4am.

The next morning, I got this voice mail from the same homeowner: "I just wanted to thank you for whatever magic you did. The snow plows came much later this time and they are soooooo much quieter!"

Top Ten Amusing Things Homeowners Say

I frequently get calls from homeowners that just make me want to laugh. This is a compilation of some comments. Management comments are in Italics.

1. I called for service on the master antenna a week ago, why isn't it fixed yet? Ma'am, it is January and there has been ice on the roof for a month.
2. Can you make my neighbors stop opening and closing their garage door?
3. Why isn't the outdoor pool open? I'm sorry Ma'am. It's storming outside right now.
4. Make the landscapers stop using their noisy equipment. I work third shift and I'm trying to sleep.
5. I have moved my car from the driveway. You can come back and plow the snow now. (three days after the last snowfall)
6. When are they going to plow my driveway? I have a meeting at 4pm. It's 9am now and the plows are out there, so I'm sure you will be able to make your meeting.
7. Call the roofer, there's water coming in through my ceiling. What floor do you live on? I live on the first floor of a three story building.
8. Send someone to break off the icicles that have formed on the gutters.
9. I saw a really big Rat! (outside my suburban home) Sir, I can call the animal control company, but the first thing they will ask me is "are you sure it's not an opossum? (dead silence. This has happened more than once and we always agree that they will wait until they see it again and if it really is a rat, they will call me back. They never do.)
10. The gutters you just installed on my building are preventing my flowers from getting water. Can you punch holes in them so they water the flowers? There is no response to this.